so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
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it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
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Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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