True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
