So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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