He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
