Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
