True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
