I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
