he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
