I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Randomize
