Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
