i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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