Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
