My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
