My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
