I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
