After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
