my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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