I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
