we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
