all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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