Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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