I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
