You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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