Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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