it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
