I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
