i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
