he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize