hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
its not stalking. its research.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I wear drunk well.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
