Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
