You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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