Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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