I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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