can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
