I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I don't deserve a penis
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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