Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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