I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
