I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
