WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
