I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
