plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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