Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
