We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
