Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
