New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
