i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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