Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
