You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
