I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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