He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
