and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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