I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"