you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
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