alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
