I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
