i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
