I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
